The Legendary Housewives of New York City Season One stars Ari Beckham, Jean Burruss, Nia Cosby, Tre Giudice, Aaliyah Long, and Janay Price, whilst Jen Aydin and Kuren Sharapova serve as 'friends of the housewives.'
TAGLINES Janay - "Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, martinis are." Jean - "I ain't never skipped a bag or a beatdown." Aaliyah - "Don't hate me because I have it all, hate me because I'm beautiful. Ari - "I've walked with the best, so I can handle your worst." Nia - "Going against Nia, it’s gonna cost you.” Tre - "Life in New York is a game, and this Queen makes the rules."
[Camera pans across New York City]
Ari Beckham Solo
[Ari poses for a photoshoot]
Photographer Assistant: What are you giving today Ms. Beckham?
Ari: Chocolate doll.
Shane (Ari’s Husband): Hey baby, how it’s going?
Ari: Hey baby. I’m almost done. [poses one more time]
Photographer: That’s the one. I’ll be back in one hour to finish.
Shane: I brought your favorite lunch.
Ari: Yes Lord.
Ari Beckham Confessional: Shane and I know each other for over 20 years, but we have been married for over ten years. He has been with me through everything.
[They sit down and eat]
Shane: Now I know you are putting on a front.
Ari: What front?
Shane: You have only talked about the test results once.
Ari: Because I’m over it. I’m not going to worry about it.
Shane: You can’t brush this under the rug.
Ari: The doctor told me, my chances of having children are very low. I’m okay with that. I know you wanted to have a child so bad and I’m sorry that I can’t give you one.
Shane: [holds Ari's hand] It's okay. I’m still happy, I love you and we can always consider adoption.
Ari Beckham Confessional: I put so much into my career for years, I neglected the idea of having children. I feel I waited too late. The one thing I wanted more than anything in the world.
Ari: I want to do an egg retrieval, but I don’t want to hear any more bad news.
Shane: Look we can go together. You don’t want to spend your life afraid.
Ari: You’re right. I have to do this.
Ari Beckham Confessional: This may be my last shot at having a baby. I pray this is the answer I am looking for.
[Scene ends and Ari and Shane kiss]
Airport Scene
[Tre, Jean, Janay, and Jean enters]
Tre: Hello ladies
Jean: I see the richest girls arrived first
Aaliyah: Hello girls. [Walks on the jet]
Janay: Oooh. I might need a bottle of champagne.
Janay Price Confessional: Nappa Valley, I am going to be drunk 24/7. You hear me.
[Jen and Ari enter]
Aaliyah: Hello Ari.
Jean: Hello Jen.
Tre Guidice Confessional: This was Louie’s plane, but now it’s mine. [laughs]
Jen: Hey ladies
Jen Aydin Confessional: It’s so cute watching the ladies get so excited about flying private for the first time.
Aaliyah Long Confessional: Everyone is looking good and cute.
[Kuren walks in]
Kuren: Good day everyone.
Janay: Finally the stewardess, can you take this bag? [She gives the bag to Kuren]
[Jean giggles and Aaliyah mouth drops]
[Kuren looks at her and ignore her]
Janay: Tre, I think you need to get the staff together. They’re rude.
Tre: Now Janay…
Aaliyah: This trip will be very interesting.
Kuren Sharapova Confessional: Tre is generous to let the girls on Louie’s jet. I would’ve made them fly on their own.
Janay: I’ll do it myself. [She places bag in the back of the plane] She ain’t getting a tip.
Janay Price Confessional: She looks like she works for the air service.
Kuren: Tre, is this Louie plane?
Tre: Yes I got it with the money I got from the divorce.
Kuren: Yes I knew it. I love what you did with it.
Jean Burruss Confessional: The plane was originally supposed to be for the girls with a coin. I guess we have to do with bonding shit. I’m just trying to figure out where’s the bonding.
Tre: Thank you, ladies! I’m so happy you all could be here. Well, some of you anyways [Looks at Aaliyah] I’m looking forward to having a great time with most of you.
Kuren: I See the girls are quiet. I guess there’s no new lie for the day.
Ari: Cheers to the Girls’ Weekend!
Janay: Yes, to a great time with friends and the help. [motions to Kuren]
Jean: Cheers to Nia’s dirty ass getting to Napa on a camel.
Kuren: Cheers to the self-made businesswomen! [Cheers with Tre]
Jean Burruss Confessional: Self-made? Sweetie, you’re just a one-time bronze medalist with a temper. Simmer down.
Aaliyah: Cheers to the girls on Tre’s payroll.
Tre: Payroll??? Aaliyah no this is just real friendship over here. You wouldn’t know about that being a fraud and all.
Aaliyah: A fraud the way you don’t know shit about me. I’m a young single woman who is self-made and living her best life without kids. But y’all are upset about that and it’s weird.
Kuren: Sucking dick for a television gig isn’t self-made but I digress.
Aaliyah: Baby I had my own show in London. What the fuck you do bitch?
Kuren: British dick doesn’t make it any different.
Kuren: I’m an international supermodel and a businesswoman who owns the best candy line in Europe, coming to the USA. Now take that.
Jean: [whispers] Tennis player selling Kit-Kats? I’m confused.
Kuren: I’m multifaceted Jean. I DO IT ALL, BABY!
Aaliyah: You are in your dollar tree area at best.
Ari: Kuren, why are you being such an asshole.
Kuren: Ari why are you in it? I have no problems with you.
Ari: Because your ugly ass is coming for my friend and I don’t appreciate that.
Kuren: I’m ugly, but the camera loves me. I’ve been on the cover of magazines Baby.
Ari: Magazines? Have you seen me doll? I’ve been modeling for years before you even got your first coin.
Kuren: Okay touche. You’re winning this time.
Aaliyah: Anyway Kuren, you are a dusty ass bitch.
Kuren: Thank you, maid, now clean me up.
Aaliyah: Your mother is a maid, you old bitch.
Kuren: Well how does your mother feel about her daughter sucking dick for a coin?
Janay Price Confessional: Aaliyah, I can’t bring you around these girls and you let a thrifty bitch like Kuren eat you up.
[Aaliyah stands up]
Kuren: You really about to fight me in a private jet? Where is the decorum baby?
Tre: [stands up] Aaliyah not on my plane bitch. I will throw your ass off.
Aaliyah: No I’m standing to show you what a young hot rich bitch look like!
Janay: Aaliyah calm down! Tre you don’t have to throw her out.
Aaliyah: You are clearly pressed.
Jean: This is so ghetto y’all stop.
Kuren: I agree with Jean.
Kuren Sharapova Confessional: Aaliyah your slip is showing. Why are you so mad?
Aaliyah Long Confessional: Kuren is literally the ugliest bitch in here.
Kuren: Does the audience of The Aaliyah Long Show on the Oprah Winfrey Network know that their beloved TV Host behaves like this?
Aaliyah: It’s on NBC actually, coming this Fall.
Tre: It won’t last a season.
Jean: Kuren you threw a drink at my niece and I heard you are known for outbursts. So do you feel like you and Aaliyah are the same? Or maybe you might be the worse?
Kuren: I was responding to someone touching my drink. So we are not the same. Aaliyah stood up unprovoked.
Janay: Well you keep running your damn mouth.
Aaliyah: I stood up to fix my pants.
Jean Burruss Confessional: One of my girlfriends' husband was a tennis referee in the 90s and she told me Kuren threw a racket at him because she didn’t like how the game was going.
Janay: Kuren, you need to shut the fuck up.
Kuren: Dang Janay why are you cursing me now? I haven’t cursed you, girl.
Janay: Because you are a messy ass hoe and you need to shut your mouth. You don’t have to cure me bitch, you woke me up and here I am.
Kuren: Alright, I’ll let you get it all out. Hopefully, you can behave the rest of this plane ride.
Jean: Janay come over let’s sip some more champagne.
Jen: Why are the girls bitching on a private jet…? Ungrateful hoes.
Jean: Jen I told you we should’ve had a restricted guest list. I’m so sorry love.
Ari: Only the girls with coins should have come.
Jen: Ari, you don’t even own a single asset to your name, hush.
Ari: I have plenty of assets, are you trying to compete with me?
Jen: I don’t compete with hoes below my tax bracket.
Ari: You want to talk about tax bracket [stands up] So what’s up?
Jen: [flicks water at Ari] That’s what’s up!
Tre: Jen why did you do that?
[Aaliyah Grabs Ari and pulls her back]
Aaliyah: Calm down child.
Jen: [laughs] I’m just quenching the thirst of the thirsty.
Jean Burruss Confessional: Heather’s not here so I’m just gonna sit back and enjoy.
Tre Giudice Confessional: These bitches can’t even behave on the plane.
Aaliyah: Tre get your pet.
Tre: Aaliyah suck a dick.
Aaliyah: Bitch, please.
Tre: We know that’s how you moved up being on your knees.
Aaliyah: You have nothing else so you making up shit. You’re bored in your life and you’re man left you. He was tired of your old fishy pussy.
Aaliyah: You’re the oldest bitch here with the most work. Go back to the yard bitch. So they can say line up! Line up bitch! LINE UP! LINE UP!
Tre: The only thing I’m about to line up is them crooked ass teeth in your cum catcher bitch.
Aaliyah: Bitch you are used to living on the streets. Going from man to man. A thirsty sugar mama. Your parents are gone.
Janay: Aaliyah! Stop! That’s too low.
Jean: Pilot, land the goddamn plane!
Tre: So you want to bring my parents into this? [gets up] You got the wrong fucking girl, bitch.
Janay: Ari please get Aaliyah!
Ari: Once Aaliyah gets started she’s not stopping.
[Scene ends with Tre attempting to snatch Aaliyah’s wig]
THREE HOURS LATER
Napa Valley Ranch
Tre Guidice Confessional: I rented out this beautiful Napa Ranch home and now it's time to assign the ladies rooms.
Jean Burrus Confessional: I’m so glad this plane ride is over. I see why they do security checks at the airport.
[Jean, Ari, Janay, and Aaliyah walk in]
Tre: Hey Jean. I’m sorry for my behavior on the plane.
Jean: Hey Tre you’re fine. I’m just glad we landed safely. Hey Ari and Aaliyah.
Tre: Ladies I will like you to meet the staff that will be taking care of us here. Let me introduce you. Concierge Dreamette, Jahrisha the Housekeeper, and El Gordo Mon the Chef. They will make you feel right at home.
Jean: Concierge take my bag up hoe and get me a cup of Soda.
Ari: Why do they look dusty?
Jean: Chef Mon, can I have a burger?
Chef Mon: There are no burgers.
Jean: Can I have a hot dog?
Chef Mon: There are no hot dogs. We have a food shortage at the moment there are only oranges and bananas.
Jean Burruss Confessional: Tre said we would have a full pantry, but the chef claims we only have fruits and veggies and he smells like bacon grease. Something shady is going on in that kitchen.
Ari Beckham Confessional: Are we able to keep food in the house with Chef Mon?
[Tre shows each of ladies their rooms]
Aaliyah: [looks at her room] So Ari can I stay with you? Cause this will not do.
Jean: [looks at her room] Tre I thank you for the accommodations, but I just texted Kuren and she said I can have her room. [Jean quickly moves things into Kuren’s room and locks the door]
Tre: Aaliyah, it's a beautiful tent…
Aaliyah Long Confessional: I know she was born in one, but that doesn’t mean I want to sleep in one.
Tre Giudice Confessional: Aaliyah should be grateful. The tent is very spacious and she is always welcome to come into the house and use the bathroom.
Tre: Well ladies, I have to go get freshen up and call my kids. I’ll be back.
Aaliyah: So Tre let me say this. I wanted to apologize for talking about your parents that was very disrespectful of me. I’m truly sorry.
Tre: Thank you for that.
[Nia finally arrives]
Nia: Yes bitches your eyes aren’t deceiving you… I’m back bitches!!!
Ari: Nia bitch. Where the hell were you?
Nia: Chile I was doing karaoke at the airport and missed my flight. They threatened to have me escorted.
[Nia looks at Aaliyah confused]
Aaliyah: Why are you looking like that?
Nia: Nothing baby just checking out your hair.
[Jen arrives]
Jen: Hey Tre sorry for being late. I saw my room and it looks amazing.
[Janay pours Ari some wine]
Janay Price Confessional: I don’t know what these girls plan to do, but I plan to drink.
Jen Aydin Confessional: I think it will be nice for the ladies to drink and loosen up. Except for Nia… She’s too loose that’s why she has twelve children in a cult.
Nia: What did I missed ladies?
Janay: Jen flicked some water at Ari.
Nia: She did!? [turns to Jen] Bitch you lucky I wasn’t there, because I would’ve mopped your hoe ass.
Ari: I should have slapped the hell out of her.
Jen: Relax. It was just a little drop of water… It’s not like you were wearing a real designer anyway.
Nia: Ari, we should just beat this hoe up.
Janay: Well we won’t do that here. We are in Napa Valley not the Bronx.
Tre: Jen are you okay?
Jen: I’m good Tre. Thanks for checking on me.
Tre: I think you and Ari should talk this out.
Jen: I’ll think about it. [walks to Nia] Nia, I just know your kids are pissed every time you whore out and come back with another child.
Nia: Lies! Your ex has full custody of your children, you're an unfit mother.
Jen: My ex and I have a healthy co-parenting relationship… I know it’s something you can never maintain with twelve different men because that’s too much.
Nia: It’s funny cause your facts are wrong. Bitches be so loud yet so wrong. You wish you had my life jealous hoe.
Ari: Okay!!
Aaliyah: Period.
Nia: Bitch talking all that shit and your pussy smells like earrings backs.
Tre: Nia please drink your wine and calm down.
Nia: Chile, not the white confederate flag whore getting special treatment.
Janay Price Confessional: What corner did we pick some of these women from? This is not Southside Jamaica Queens' ladies.
Jen: Ari, we need to talk away from this mess.
Ari: What do you want? [rolls eyes]
Jen: Well, if you step aside with me, maybe you will receive what you are so desperately looking for.
Ari: I would like for you to apologize and show some respect.
Jen Aydin Confessional: I don’t know why I need to apologize to show respect. Did anyone thank me for safely flying the private jet to Napa while our pilot was clearly boozed up… No, I don’t think so!
Ari: Jen. You have been a fucking trashy ass cunt.
Jen: A cunt??? Well then don’t hold your breath for an apology. Or maybe you should hold your breath.
Ari: Jen do we need to talk about you sleeping with the co-pilot on the plane ride?
[Jean turns her head with food in her mouth]
[Janay and Aaliyah look at each other]
Nia: I fucking knew it!
Jen: I was co-piloting the plane! Don’t spread lies about me or else I will start spreading the truth about you.
Ari: And what truth is that?
Jen: Ari, you are poor.
Janay: It’s only one poor bitch here and she’s the one that lives in Colonial Heights Projects in the Bronx.
Ari Beckham Confessional: I guess she didn’t want anyone to know that she was sucking d**k for all of us to get a nice ride to Napa Valley.
Ari: Is that all you got?
Jen: I would tell you to burn in hell, but your current reality seems much worse.
Ari: Wipe your mouth, you still have cum stains around it.
Aaliyah: Well damn.
Janay Price Confessional: It is not looking good for Jen.
Jen Aydin Confessional: Am I allowed to break the fourth wall and reveal it was a producer who told me to say that to Ari?
Producer: Leave me the fuck out of your drunken mess.
Janay: You ladies are way too ghetto.
[Scene ends as the Chef steals Ari’s plate of food]
Spa
Tre Giudice Confessional: Hopefully, everyone can enjoy the spa.
[All of the ladies arrive]
Tre: Here you go ladies.
Ari: This was a good idea Tre.
Ari Beckham Confessional: So the last time, I was around all of these women I was quenching thirst… hopefully we can relax today
Jean Burruss Confessional: I’m very excited for this spa day.
[Nia looks at Kuren]
Kuren Sharapova Confessional: We’re not five minutes into the spa and Nia already has a nasty look on her face.
Nia Cosby Confessional: So happy I can finally let loose and take off all these clothes.
Ari: Janay, What’s tea. How did you sleep?
Janay: I slept amazing. How about you?
Ari: Slept well, or I can say I did.
Janay: Yes. I’m not letting these ladies ruin my trip.
Aaliyah Long Confessional: Let’s hope this goes well.
Jean: I’m so glad we are getting this time to relax we definitely deserved it.
[Kuren sits next to Jean}
Kuren: Since we are in a relaxing environment. I want to speak with you, Jean.
Jean: Yes. Kuren what would you like to talk about?
Kuren: I want to apologize for my behavior at Tre’s Sip and Paint. I definitely overstepped boundaries and seeing as you and Tre are cool now. I have no real issues with you and I hope we can move forward.
Jean: I accept your apology and would like to start over and get to know each other.
Janay: Ari, where do you know Nia from? She’s a wildcard.
Ari: Well my husband worked on a few of her ex-husband's properties.
Ari: She is unapologetically her. [laughs] That’s one of her finer qualities.
Janay: I’m sure some of the girls needed a little her in their life. They are snoozefests anyway.
Nia: Bitch why are you so eager to know!? Mind your fucking business hoe.
Janay: Bitch, I’m complimenting you, calm your crazy ass down.
Kuren: Nia? Were you the one who was watching me change last night?
Nia: Kuren you wide back ass bitch you got me fucked up!
Janay Price Confessional: Nia might need a check. Did y’all check her mental state?
Aaliyah Long Confessional: Nia sometimes can be confused about things. It takes her a longer time to think.
Jean Burruss Confessional: Y’all see that... Part One of Nia’s character flaw. What was her reason for lashing out?
Nia Cosby Confessional: Hoes target me. Now they are asking dumb ass questions and making smart remarks, but when I lash out. I’m seen as mentally unstable.
Nia: Kuren why do you keep scratching your pussy?
Kuren: Cause I didn’t shave. I’m not getting dick and Janay has a girl so no one is eating this cooter cat.
Jean: There’s no need for this. Calm down, Nia.
Ari: Breathe everyone.
Aaliyah: So Kuren, what’s your real issue with Janay? Because you honestly started with her first.
Kuren: Did you hear the end of the question? “With Janay” not with AALIYAH, so mind your business.
Aaliyah: Exactly you don’t have an issue with her "Karen" cause you can’t answer.
Kuren: Aaliyah, I don’t know why you’re inserting yourself. We’re at a Spa in Napa Valley. Not at your SiriusXM radio show.
Tre: Kuren, Aaliyah is always looking for a moment. Just pay her dust.
Aaliyah: Bitch take the dust off your face bitch.
Tre: You’re so obsessed with my face. It's weird.
Aaliyah: You’re obsessed with my p*ssy. It’s weird. So becoming of a mother.
Tre: I don’t care for the cum dump you call a pussy, to be honest.
Aaliyah: Clearly you do! You talk about it all the time.
Kuren: I have a question for Janay.
Janay: Why? [crosses legs and stares at Kuren]
Jean Burruss Confessional: Spa or Spar?
Kuren: Janay. If you had to have a night with any of these women, who would it be? And the night involves a sexual encounter of course.
Janay: It would be Ari.
Ari: Oooo. [Ari fans herself]
Producer: How did that make you feel?
Ari Beckham Confessional: Darling I’m model. But ultimately flattered though. If I weren’t a woodchuck I’d probably allow it.
Janay Price Confessional: No I do not have a girl crush on her. But do you see my options? Nia, Kuren? [imitates vomiting]
[Scene ends]
END OF EPISODE
Comments